Partners In Dialogue

December 2006

Dear Friends,

Time seems to fly again.

As we approach the longest day of the year, we want to share with you our recent inspirations.

Tiamara invited us to be part of her show “Tia”, which will be screened on CTV from February onwards. Here we want you to get a taste of our contribution on two subjects, “love languages” and the question, “what makes a great relationship?”

Apart from “patience” as the virtue to reflect, we offer an inspiration, the ancient Chinese art of Qigong.

Arohanui

Rudolf & Mirjam

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INDEX
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- Love Languages

- Patience

- What Makes a Great Relationship?

- Inspiration

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SOME THOUGHTS ON LOVE LANGUAGES
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Picture an old couple. They have had an ordinary life and lived more or less happy with each other for many years, were married for more than 50 years. Now, one of them, say the man, is nearing the end of his life. To relieve his conscience, he asks his wife to his bedside and tells her, “each morning, for the last 50 or so years, we had bread rolls for our breakfast. Before I die, I need to let you know that I ate the top half each morning, yet my preference would have been to have the bottom half. I never told you.” To which she replies, “I preferred the top half, that's why I gave it to you.”

This is a comical example of the misunderstandings that are common to occur in relationships. Generally, we imagine that our partner is like us. We assume that our preferences are theirs.

When it comes to expressing our love, we tend to express love in the way that we prefer to receive it. Yet, this is not always the preferred way for our partner. Their preference might be quite different from ours. Often misunderstandings occur without partners even knowing that they misunderstood each other. They might feel indignant, 'I act in such a loving way, yet my partner does not even appreciate it.'

According to Gary Chapman, author of “The five love languages”, we express and receive love in five different ways. Every one of us has a particular way of feeling loved. We assume that our partner speaks the same language but rarely they do. Partners often talk past each other, they just miss each other. These misunderstandings can lead to relationship difficulties. It is helpful for partners to be aware of the different “love languages”. They are pretty self explanatory as they have been described by Chapman:

Words of affirmation, Quality time, Receiving gifts, Acts of service and Physical touch.

What they all have in common is that the words used feel like an affirmation to our partner, quality time feels like quality time to them, gifts are what they appreciate, the same with the acts of service and physical touch. The willingness to extend myself and consider another person's preference is at the core of the love language concept.

Words of affirmation include compliments, praise, any verbal expression that is uplifting. Here words, written or spoken are important. If your partner receives love this way, tell them that you love them, be expressive in a verbal way. They need to hear your words.

Quality time means that love is expressed by doing things together, going for a walk, listening to music, listen to one another. To give undivided attention is important. Eye contact may be an expression of this. Here you pay exclusive attention to your partner, rather than taking them for granted and be with them while watching TV at the same time.

Partner that feel loved when they receive gifts want a physical symbol of love, something that they appreciate. They feel loved when their partner surprises them with a gift. It does not necessarily need to be an expansive gift, what matters is that they are meaningful for their partner.

With acts of service, it is important that you take on chores that are important to your partner. It is crucial that these acts of service are done willingly and lovingly, not with any resentment. You do them out of love for your partner, you do them, because they matter to them. It can be cleaning the toilet, making the bed, any household chores.

Physical touch comprises of a wide range of touch from the loving touch on a shoulder to intimate sexual contact. Sometimes, it is crucial, especially for women to feel loved by experiencing non-sexual tender touch, caressing just to make them feel good, touch for the sake of touch, as an expression of love.

Usually, we speak more than one love language. The way we feel loved can be a combination of the above in different forms. It is helpful to be aware and share your preference with your partner and be interest in their preferences.

The short test can be of help to establish the love language of your choice. For this, see,

http://www.greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.as

Rudolf Jarosewitsch

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PATIENCE
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“Patience is quiet hope and faith that things will turn out right. We trust the process of life. We are not hasty. We do not rush or allow ourselves to be overcome by pressure. Patience helps us to endure things we cannot control with a peaceful heart.” The Virtues Project

www.virtuesproject.com

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WHAT MAKES A GREAT RELATIONSHIP?
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We came up with seven points.

  1. Realistic expectations

We compare a great relationship to a garden. It is alive and in the process of continuous change. It requires our attention and needs to be cultivated to flourish and bear fruit.

This is different to the opinion that intimate committed relationships come naturally and simply depend on finding the right partner.

Just like a shared garden needs a plan, it is helpful to create a shared vision of why and what we want in a relationship. Are we looking in a similar direction with regard to our values, norms and goals? (question of children, upbringing, world-view, diet, form of medicine, religion)

It is also helpful to expect difficulties and view them as opportunities for growth rather than as a threat to the relationship. That helps us to face difficulties in a creative and cooperative manner. We work on our problems together. Constructive change doesn't take place because we get rid of problems, but because we develop mutual empathy and understanding in response to them.

  1. Time

A way to cultivate the relationship is to spend time together. We identified four ways to do that.

  1. Times of being productive together, working together (e.g. Cooking, reading, writing, renovating, gardening)

  2. Times of rest and peace (e.g. Snuggling up, shared bath)

  3. Times in natural environment with all our senses (e.g. Smelling roses, watching sunset, enjoying views, listening to birds)

  4. Times to celebrate special events to break routines and create meaning (e.g. Anniversaries);

    Daily rituals (e.g. shared meals, intimate dialogue) to create rhythm.

  1. Vulnerability

A genuine interest in each other is the prerequisite to open up and be transparent. When we open up to each other, truly make ourselves vulnerable, we develop an understanding that deepens our connection and love for each other.

To make ourselves vulnerable means, to be fully ourselves, honest with ourselves and each other, truthful and genuine. We expose places where we hurt, we share our feelings and needs - hopes and dreams, doubts and fears, our insecurities and sensitivities.

  1. Faithfulness

Faithfulness is the commitment to honour the sacred trust between partners and develop trustworthiness with each other. This provides a safe container, or boundary and shelter that allows us the freedom to be fully who we are.

  1. Tolerance

We appreciate difference. We don't try to change our partner to become like us. We honour and respect gender, cultural and temperamental differences and allow different interests, friendships, hobbies, activities.

We explore and consider each other's love language, ways we each give and receive love. We value our partner's difference as an enrichment to our lives. This nurtures mutual fondness and admiration. We refrain from judgements, are patient and forgiving when partners make mistakes.

  1. Allow growth

We view ourselves and our partner as unique and connected to a larger whole. We value each other's ideas and ideals and support each other to fulfil our potential. We support each other's spiritual development.

  1. Support

We are willing to reach out for support from friends, family, professionals (e.g. Counsellors, spiritual friend), who respect the relationship. We choose wisely.

Mirjam Busch & Rudolf Jarosewitsch, 5 December 2006

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INSPIRATION
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Qigong came into my life through an old friend who turned her health problems around and has since trained to become a qigong teacher.

Her passion for this form intrigued me and the immediate results that I felt in my body since I started practising it reinforced my interest. For the last 3 months I have been doing the basic exercises daily following the instructions on a CD plus I have attended a weekly class for the first exercise. Mirjam has joined me, and qigong has become a practice that we share.

Zhineng Qigong “is an established, scientific Qigong system developed through over 20 years of practice by 4 million people and incorporating the essence of traditional Qigong theory and practice. It is a safe and effective form of Qigong which can bring about rapid improvements in physical and mental health.”

Yuan Tze is the Qigong master who lives in Wellington, New Zealand. You can find out more at: www.yuantzecentre.co.nz

May your physical and mental well-being flourish.

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For any other enquiries, please contact:
Mirjam Busch & Rudolf Jarosewitsch, ph: 64-3-3885292

rumijabu@inet.net.nz

For further articles and information, plus previous newsletters, please visit our Website:
http://www.partnering.inet.net.nz


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