Partners In Dialogue
June 2003
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WELCOME
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Here in New Zealand we are approaching the shortest day. Having been born in the Northern Hemisphere, even after 20 years it is still strange for me that June is cold and July even colder. At the same time, for most people, it is hot and it is going to be the longest day. Both on the very same day - shortest and longest.
When I went to school I learned a saying that went approximately like that:
“The sun rises in the East, it reaches its highest point in the South, it sets in the West, and it is never seen in the North.”
This is far from true for people who live “down under”. Here the sun is highest in the North and never seen in the South.
What we can learn from this example is that there is a good chance that we are wrong whenever we make a definite statement. The truth always relates to the position we take, and therefore is relative. In the Northern Hemisphere the sun rises highest in the South, whilst in the Southern Hemisphere it is North.
But then again, wherever you are, the sun always rises in the East and sets in the West. This is true, no matter where you are.
In reality, life is complex, in particular when we deal with human relationships. Here we meet many paradoxes and our task is to learn to live with placing things side by side, honouring your truth next to mine. This then leads towards mutuality, moving from an adverse perspective to a relational one.
Rudolf
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INDEX
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-
Thought of the day
- “The healthy social life ..”
- Sustainable Communities
- Human Connection
- Compassionate
Communication
- Inspirational thoughts by Kelly Bryson
-
Conscious Partnership Workshop
- Feedback
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THOUGHT
OF THE DAY
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When there is not enough love in my relationship,
I can change this by loving myself some more.
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THE
HEALTHY SOCIAL LIFE ...
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"The healthy
social life is found
when in the mirror of each human soul
the
whole community finds its reflection
and when in the community
the
strength of each individual is living."
Rudolf Steiner
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SUSTAINABLE
COMMUNITIES
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In our individualistic times, we require an attitude which combines appreciation of both, the community AND the individual. This means that we need to question and leave behind an antagonistic way of thinking that separates us from each other, from groups, from nature.
Instead of imitating the prevalent paradigm of a competitive society, which operates in an either-or mode, we are asked to embrace a win-win scenario. At the level of human relationships, this means to develop a YES-AND attitude, where there is room for both, you and me, the community and the individual.
The question then arises: “How can I be true to myself and open for the other?”
We might have previously learned that in order to have a connection with the other we need to give up some of ourselves. This is based on the assumption that if we truly were ourselves, we would be anti-social. Therefore we need to sacrifice our individuality to some degree to fit a social system.
Based on the same assumption, some people who consider themselves as strong individuals, sacrifice their need for connection, believing that close relationships would jeopardise their personal freedom.
Both are basic human needs, our need for connection and our need for personal freedom. We cannot easily give up either of them. Therefore the task is to reconcile this apparent paradox of being an individual wanting freedom and being a social being wanting connection.
Communities are sustainable to the degree that basic human needs are being met. Therefore a community is sustainable when both needs, the need for personal freedom and the need to belong, to be connected are being attended to. A community is sustainable when both, the individual AND the community is valued.
The old paradigm of separation led to the exploitation of nature. Mankind fought nature, ignorant of the fact that we are nature, that nature is part of us. As a consequence of this, rivers have been polluted, resources depleted, our very existence on planet earth endangered.
What are the attitudes that support sustainable community?
One is to recognise the fact that we are all interconnected. When I do something that harms you, I actually harm myself. Living in harmony with our nature requires being able to stay connected to ourselves and one another.
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HUMAN
CONNECTION
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One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel connected with ourselves and others, open, safe, alive. Our ritualised customary greeting of “how are you?” is a reminiscent of our deep need for human contact. At the heart of many conflicts and misunderstandings lies our inability to identify and express our feelings and needs. Our biggest challenge of this century will be to learn to make ourselves vulnerable with each other, to reveal our deepest feelings and truest needs to each other.
Our strongest obstacle lies in our unwillingness to take time and listen within, with an open, curious and compassionate attitude. The warmth of deep listening melts the ice that encloses our very tender hearts. That ice has built up over years in response to harsh words and actions from others, and then ultimately from ourselves. Our very protection leaves our hearts cold and lonely. Our protection comes in the form of a heavy armoured guard that reminds us “if you open up others will use this against you, judge you, reject you, ridicule you, expose you, punish you, humiliate you, patronise, label and pity you”.
It also comes in the form of a very small terrified voice, “if I feel all that I feel, I feel so much pain that I will not survive it”. No wonder we use and create various forms of distractions to numb ourselves in order not to feel. No wonder, we run from or fight people that evoke feelings in us. In our attempts to not feel our pain, we also miss out on the opportunity to feel our joy, which is directly connected with our tenderness, openness and aliveness.
Once we begin to open to our felt feelings, sense them in our bodies and verbalise them in our minds, and finally express them outwardly in our behaviour, we also open the doors to contacting our needs. When the door is too heavy and large to open, we know we hold judgments on our needs, “I shouldn't need to be held, acknowledged, reassured, etc.”. And by the time we hold judgment on our judgment, we begin to feel a little insane; split from our deepest need for warm, simple, open human connection with self and others. Breakdown at this point can also be a break-through towards becoming in Welwood's words “a broken-hearted warrior”, a person that is willing to be in full contact with his/her feelings and needs and equally interested in another's feelings and needs.
He/she uses “compassionate communication” (Rosenberg) to deepen the understanding in connection with the other. Only when I know what I need I will be able to request and participate thereby actively in the human giving and receiving exchange, the building block to developing close relationships with others.
Marshall Rosenberg has developed some useful communication tools that not only prevent painful conflicts, but also generate respect, compassion, understanding and goodwill amongst humans.
“Criticisms, complaints, judgments and attacks are all tragic expressions of difficult feelings and unmet needs.” (Marshall Rosenberg)
Mirjam Busch
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COMPASSIONATE
COMMUNICATION
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Marshall Rosenberg called his approach NVC (Non Violent Communication). It also became known as “Compassionate Communication” and is very helpful, especially in potential and actual conflict situation.
Instead of sparking conflict by putting out judgments, in applying compassionate communication I am asked to describe what I observe. This reminds me of the phenomenological approach in Gestalt Therapy. I stay with what is, with what is perceivable.
The next step is to identify the feelings. Here it is important to share feelings that are close to me, felt feelings that I can trace inside of my body. In the same way as with judgments, we can move away from ourselves by focusing on thought feelings (as opposed to felt feelings). “I feel rejected by you” is one of those. I can't feel it in my body, and it is an indirect blame: “you reject me”.
A good way to identify if I am close enough to home is the fact that the acknowledgment of felt feelings (or primary emotions) is energising, whilst we feel drained when we stay stuck with thought feelings (secondary emotions).
Closely connected with our felt feelings are our basic needs. “What do I need right now?” is an empowering question. Again, we can operate at different levels. I might feel like eating a biscuit, but is this really what I need?
We might touch a childhood need, one that makes us feel very vulnerable. That's why it seems so much easier to focus on the other person, how they should be. Yet, the empowering approach of compassionate communication invites us to identify our needs.
The last step, and the icing on the cake, is a specific request we might have. A request is different from a demand in that it leaves the other person the option to say “yes” or “no”. If we get a “no, our task is to respect this and at the same time hold on to what is important to us by negotiating another time or finding a different way of getting our need met.
What I like about it is its aspect of personal empowerment. The questions, “what do I feel?” and “what do I need?” are empowering in itself. In working with couples we have often observed that when people are honest about these 2 questions and willing to soul search and allow for the vulnerability of revealing themselves, it invites spontaneous compassion from the other.
A further empowering aspect of this approach is the fact that I can use compassionate communication even if the person I talk to doesn't. When there is not enough willingness to listen to my truth, I can take an active interest in the other and explore theirs. The compassion is based on the assumption that there is always a basic human feeling like grief, pain, shame, guilt, anger, fear, joy, love underneath as well as a basic need, even though somewhat might express it clumsily with judgments and blame.
If we can manage to overcome our narcissism that is so common in our society and not take everything too personal, we can easier apply the power of compassionate communication and experience that at the level of basic human feelings and fundamental needs, we are all connected.
Rudolf Jarosewitsch
Further information on Compassionate Communication: www.cnvc.org
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INSPIRATIONAL
THOUGHTS BY KELLY BRYSON
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“.. finding ways to meet each other’s needs without compromising ourselves is one of my favorite definitions of love.”
“Trust is the basic factor needed for cooperation. When we trust we open our eyes to another’s humanness. Trust lets us empathize. It allows for natural openness and affection. It clarifies our understanding of each other. Trust allows for the free flow of honesty, affection, accurate perceptions of each other, risk taking and love. In cultures and in couples where this basic trust is missing the need arises for a great degree of external control, rules, policing, punishment and a general loss of true freedom.”
“What the duty giver needs is empathy for the resentment of having sacrificed her life energy for another, empathy for abandoning herself, and for the loss of her self. When these people grieve for what they have done to themselves, they will be grateful that others did not reinforce this self-sacrificing behavior by giving appreciation for it. Even if people did offer appreciation, the duty giver can’t take it in until the self-resentment has been transformed through empathy into sorrow. Nor can they really love. Because love is giving from free will. The duty giver gives to avoid guilt and shame.” — Kelly Bryson, "Don't Be Nice, Be Real", Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others, see also:
http://www.languageofcompassion.com/Publications.htm
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CONSCIOUS
PARTNERSHIP WORKSHOP
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Our next public event will be a workshop “Conscious Partnership” on 5 & 6 July in Lismore, NSW, Australia.
For further information, please contact: Steve Vinay Gunther, Northern Rivers Gestalt Institute, 15 Coleman St. Lismore, NSW 2480
Ph/Fax: 61-2-66213911
E-mail: chief@gestalt.org.au
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FEEDBACK
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Feel free to reply and have your say,
we intend to include reader's comments on upcoming issues of this e-mail newsletter
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Wherever you are,
we wish you a wonderful Solistice
and peace for
all
Arohanui
Rudolf Jarosewitsch & Mirjam Busch
Relationship Counsellors
Telephone –
64-3-3885292
email – rumijabu@inet.net.nz
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